Friday, August 18, 2017

I'm alright

This isn't a real post. This is me dropping in to assure the people who have voiced concerns that my blog may be "dead". I can promise you all that rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, and I have every intention of keeping it going. I can make no such promises about the frequency of the posts though.

There's a couple of reasons for this.

The most important one is that since I wrote that last post (or actually starting a little while before that), I have taken Aristotle's advice and am, silly as it sounds, thriving. The reason this sounds silly is that I am also working my butt off, because I volunteered to work extra shifts all summer (i.e. July through September) to fund my vinyl record/electric guitar/trips to visit internet people-habits, so there are many days where my life feels like some kind of perpetual retail fever dream. On the flip side though, I don't think I have ever managed my non-day job-time as well as I am now, which is why I still wake up every morning at the crack of dawn deliriously excited about life (I get that this sounds deranged, but it's the honest truth).

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This means that a whole list of things that used to be down time staples for me, have been drastically cut from my life. Some of them down to zero. It's been about 6 months since I moved into this house, and in that time, I haven't fired up Skyrim once. I think I played The Sims for a couple of days in February when I was ill, but that's it as far as gaming is concerned, which is pretty huge for a one time avid gamer like myself who only just finished building her dream gaming rig. I now basically have a rocket launcher sitting by my desk that I use to heat up toast sometimes (also a PS3 whose sole function is to explain to my TV what Netflix is). I do miss it sometimes (especially Skyrim), but that is a price I have made my peace with.
Likewise, I have cut all TV, aside from maybe one or two things per season (currently Game of Thrones because duh, and also Bojack Horseman, which you should definitely check out because it just keeps getting better), which was easier to do than gaming, but still needed a little time to adjust to.

The biggest time sink of all, though, which I am still working on cutting down, but will never get down to zero, is social media. The reason this is such a tough one is mainly because the internet is where my people live, and I am not about to cut any of them out of my life.
The other reason is that I have had to accept that the biggest victim of this will be my blog.

The sad reality of blogging is that if you ever want to get anything over ten "hits" a day, you pretty much have to spend quadruple the time you spend creating content on self-promotion, which is a) fucking gross and b) means you need to be on Twitter all.the.fucking.time, or reading other blogs, or cozying up to whoever is getting a lot of hits themselves. If you don't, it pretty much doesn't matter if your content is "one of the best things on the internet" (thanks for that, Ben), because nobody is going to ever see it. And this sucks, because even though I did enjoy reading other people's blogs (and still do sometimes), writing is pretty much the only thing I care about, so that's all I am going to keep doing. I've just stopped caring about getting the views.

This means I no longer have to worry about post frequency, and can afford to spend a little more time on each post, whereas before I would sometimes proofread a thing just once because I wanted to hit my deadline. At this moment, I've had a post sitting in my draft folder for well over a month, because it involves structuralism and I have yet to figure out a way to casually bring up Foucault without sounding like a pompous asshat (this may actually be impossible). And that's fine, because I have given myself permission to fiddle with shit until it feels right to post, which might be never. Lord knows there is plenty of other writing that I am never going to let see the light of day, as most of my writing time these days is devoted to a project that I'm not even going to expand upon here, as it's embarrassing, and whose sole purpose is to get me to type new words on a regular basis, because I still have these near insurmountable hangups about writing anything at all, and this way it is at least fucking fun.

Last but not least, the whole impetus for starting this blog a little less than 3 years ago (shit, has it only been that long?) was mainly one of self-therapy, because I had never felt so lost and scared and was having huge trouble figuring out who I was and what I wanted from life, and I figured that writing about that would somehow help, as it might help others to read about what I was going through.

I am no longer lost.

It's pretty funny to me to look back at this early post I did, and see how not a single one of these archetypes ended up being remotely me (except for Dave Eggers - that is still a possibility, though I don't think he has written quite as much smut!). I played around with some of them since, and found they were not for me, and cast off others (gaming nerd!) with sad resolve because I traded them in for something better.

These days, I am a convinced hermit who spends her days happily sucking at writing and playing guitar, finally reads novels again, mostly enjoys her job because it funds the all-important solo-home while leaving time for the aforementioned sucking, and every once in a while takes short intense trips to go feel all the love and euphoria and abandon all at once that I can't deal with in my everyday life because, after all that's said and done, I still have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone, and I don't know how to fix that.
Ironically, this isn't dramatically different from what I imagined my life would be like when I was little.

Looking back on it now, it's still nice to have a bit of a chronicle of how I got here, so I have no intention of taking any of it down just yet, and every once in a blue moon I still get a message from some other human somewhere on this earth who wants to tell me that something I wrote helped them in some way, and that is, without a doubt, the best thing in the world to me.
I wish we could all meet and hang out and hug and share stories deep into the night in some warm place without any mosquitos, but for now I am happy just meeting in this virtual in between space where all of our stories sometimes intersect. I'm not going anywhere.

Yeah. I'm doing alright.

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