Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Things I will say on my last day in customer service

"Yes, extremely pregnant lady, this is what your couch looks like. It is indeed quite large. You may have been under the impression that it was inflatable. I will have to disappoint you there. It is the same size as it was in the showroom, only now it is inside a box. No I can not put it in your car. I am a fairly small person with ridiculously weak arms, and that is a three seat sofa that will probably not even fit in whatever car you drive, unless you came in a pick up truck. Yes, I am aware that you are extremely pregnant. I know our checkout lines can be long, but I think it's fair of me to guess that you were probably already in this condition fifteen minutes ago when you decided to impulse buy a couch and then refused to have it delivered."

"Yes, person who, when I call the next number in line, insists on shouting their own number back at me, you clearly exist. You don't just exist, though, you fascinate the hell out of me. I've always wanted to ask you what you'll think to accomplish by doing that. And there are more than one of you, so clearly it's something I ought to understand. Is it, that you think I'm wrong? Because I can assure you that the number I'm calling is the next number in line. I have equipment for that. Or do you think that, because you are obviously more important than all the other people who are waiting and I hadn't noticed you, by shouting your own number I will realize and then correct my mistake, so that it will suddenly be your turn after all? Sadly this is not how the numbers game works. I am sorry."

"Yes, adult woman who is standing in the middle of the area that says 'employees only past this point' tapping her foot and rolling her eyes like a cartoon character, I acknowledge you. I already acknowledged you ten minutes ago when I apologized for our waiting times, explained that we are understaffed and doing the best we can, and promised to keep a special eye out for your order to come through. Apparently it was foolish of me to assume this interaction would have any kind of effect on what you insist on continuing to do. Maybe these actions will, in fact, work as a magic spell to make all the other customers (you can't see them, because they are behind you in the area where customers are supposed to actually be) suddenly disappear in a Wizard of Oz type fashion. Please just carry on doing that."

"Sorry, I do not know where you can find this mystery item you are looking for, even if you were so helpful to specify that "it's white, but it comes in other colors" and is also "kind of square" and made out of "some kind of wood, but maybe not real wood". Maybe if you waited in line like everyone else instead of assaulting me with your "quick, simple question" while I'm helping somebody else, I can look it up on the computer, but even then, you are going to have to be a teensy bit more specific. Yes, I understand this is frustrating for you and I am probably very stupid for not being able to answer your question. You know who would be able to answer your question? A robot. Do you want retail workers to be replaced by robots? Don't answer that."

"Sorry, extremely drunk lady yelling incoherently, I understand that the road to get over here can be very dangerous during rush hour. I apologize. I do feel that I should point out that we didn't put it there though; that was the city's doing. Still, I understand that this is, of course, somehow my fault. I do, however, imagine that it might be somewhat less dangerous if you weren't falling down drunk at 5 pm on a Wednesday."

And to anyone who asks to speak to a manager I will say that I am the manager, after which I will continue to answer all questions through interpretive dance.

I did not make this meme. Please don't sue me.


  1. Back in the dark ages, the owners of my store decided that for halloween all the employees should wear bright orange tshirts. And on the back it said
    Needless to say, I still was asked every five minutes or so!

  2. Also,
    I don't know if I have a certain "look", but I can be wearing raggedy shorts and tshirt, and STILL ask if I work there. It's happened at Home Depot, the grocery store, and even at a restauraunt once.

  3. Maybe you just look like you know your stuff ;-)

  4. This takes me back, way back, back where I don't want to be but as long as you write it it's funny as hell. Do that dance!

  5. I'm sure every single person who is guilty, will read this and think "what kind of obnoxious idiot would do these things?"

  6. My next dance will be an expression of how much I miss you!
    *shakes it like a polaroid picture*

  7. Ha, true! I never realized what a douche I was until I had to deal with other douches all day. It's an eye-opener, to say the least ;-)

  8. You let me know when and *I'll be there*

  9. What? You can't read minds? I actually work in Customer Service but I'm sooo glad to not be working on the front lines. I have spent a little time on the front lines, to at least get a feel for how things work in this organization, and it was physically and mentally draining.

  10. It is both those things. Luckily we get a lot (a LOT) of vacation time, and I've recently vowed to finally start using that time to do a lot of Crazy Shit so... watch this space, I guess? :D

  11. Shawna Svacina7/6/15, 10:42 PM

    This makes me very thankful Gottschalks went out of business and I became an employee of a place that was *not* retail.