Monday, March 02, 2015

Mindfulness: you're doing it right!

image by las - initially
Admit it, you've all done it. I most certainly have and if you tell me you haven't, I'll secretly accuse you of not having lived. I'm talking about attempting mind control. Telekinesis. All that good stuff.
I used to sit and stare at my pencil for hours during classes in a desperate attempt to make it float.

Today I'd like to announce that, after many weeks of meditation, I have finally managed to achieve this elusive goal.

Not that I'm able to float anything (at least not yet), or complete my household chores in the style of Mary Poppins (this is still up on my bucket list), but I've actually achieved something much more difficult. I have succeeded in teleporting my boyfriend.

It took us a while to realize that this is what was happening, but we're both absolutely certain of this now.
It started innocently. He'd be privately amusing himself in his man cave, thinking up some tunes, and I'd set the clock for one of my ten minute space out sessions, when about halfway through, like clockwork, he'd barge into the room. Any room. We have a pretty big house for just the two of us, so I've been able to experiment with that a little and it works every single time. One time I actually hid myself in the bedroom with the lights off and he came in dancing, blowing a whistle and waving a flag. We like to pretend that particular time was sports related to cover up the shame, but the fact is that he has never been into professional sports before. It's legit teleportation.

Lately, through practice, I've been able to cover greater distances, where I start meditating while he is at work, only for him to barge in five minutes later, babbling something about taking up overtime. I'm sure this is putting a bit of a strain on his well-being. You don't just mess with people's mind like that without it taking some kind of toll.

The last time, I feel, was particularly hard on him, since he appeared before me huffing and drenched in sweat.

Him (wide eyed): "No shit... Again?"

Me (serene as fuck): "Yeah. What happened, did you cycle through a hurricane or something?"

Him: "Well I really had to hurry this time. How long did I have left?"

Me *checks phone*: "Two and a half minutes..."

We've agreed that if we ever lose each other in the woods (as you do), I'd just have to meditate for a couple of minutes and he'd find me, which is a great comfort to me because I still get scared in the woods after seeing the Blair Witch Project.

In order to further develop my supernatural abilities I am now enrolled in an actual mindfulness class with actual people whom I can't tell you anything about because they made us sign a legal document.

I'm pretty sure I can still talk about me though, which is what I always do when I'm nervous so when my turn came up during the big round of introductions I managed to tell 20 people I'd never met that I have an anxiety disorder.
Apparently nobody else there did, or they didn't think it was an appropriate thing to share, or they weren't all suppressing panic attacks the entire time they were there which made them lapse into pathological honesty. Awesome.

Then we had to do this age-old exercise where you (very mindfully) examine and then eat a raisin, and were encouraged to share our findings - wrinkly, sweet, smelling kind of herb-y and oh my god who knew raisins can make a sound?

I didn't say anything because I was still recovering from my previous outburst and all I could think when looking at this stupid raisin was: "Oh my fucking god, raisin! You used to be a grape! What happened?!"

It tasted of sadness. When I chewed it, it cried in my mouth.

This did not make it up on the whiteboard.

I later managed to round off the epic awkwardness of it all by stubbing my toe and tripping over this stupid step (which hurt like hell because they made us take off our shoes) and falling into the room where people were quietly sharing snacks and avoiding eye contact during the break, exactly like fucking Anastasia Steele at the beginning of '50 Shades of Grey'.
It did not end with me finding true love through S&M though, as I'm sure my true love had tied himself to our bed in an attempt to prevent being involuntarily teleported across town as I spent the entire morning trying to meditate and keeping my mouth shut about the tragedy of raisins.

Still not the shittiest power evah:

PS: My boyfriend has a serious thing for the chav girl on Misfits. Combined with him being all over Jane on Deadwood, I'm beginning to worry what this says about me. :/


  1. I need to learn this power. I have trouble meditating because then I start going 'ooh I wonder what that hissing sound is, it sounds like a..Oh Bollocks now it's turned into a whistle'... And that sort of shit.
    As for eating mindful, I reckon I need to do the exact opposite. I'm told Morel mushrooms are nice but there's no fucking way I'm putting.that wrinkly flesh looking thing in my mouth.

    By the way, that chav girl from misfits was sacked from misfits for being racist to a taxi driver. Which I thought was kind of ironic.

  2. Great, now I'm even more worried what that says about me :p
    As for the meditating, I can very much recommend this post ;-)

  3. Ah yes, I remember this one! I commented on it under my real name 'Jamie' . How shifty of me, wonder why I did that...

  4. Always better to be incognito when you're slumming it I guess :D
    (thanks for the rt!)

  5. I am now glad that I didn't join a mindfulness group. They seem to be cropping up everywhere, and I was really tempted.

  6. Oh I'm not dissing it. I'm actually pretty committed. I'd have to be, or I'd never agree to be in a room with so many strangers.